Wow...it's been a while!

It's been forever since I've been on this site but it's not like anyone but me sees it. Rob and I got married February 6, 2008. He is my best friend. It took a long time to find him...but God brought us together. The boys continue to do well. I continue to struggle with not getting to have them with me all the time. I miss them so much. I have been struggling lately w/ my anxiety and also with depression when they are away...worse than it's been in a long time. Dashi is 10 now...wow! He is in 5th grade and doing SO well! It's his last year of elementary school...I cannot even believe it! Holden, my baby, is 7 and in the 2nd grade. It's amazing! He is loving school but every other Friday when I have to drop them off for a week is especially hard for him still...him and both. We both bawl. I try to be strong...but I'm not. I'm just not. They are my life. I love them more than I can even explain in words. A mother's love is inexplicable. At least THIS mother's love is. I struggle a lot with not seeing them but I know that they are being taken care of...but it should be by ME!
I lost the condo, Rob lost his house, and we now are renting. But God has been faithful in providing us a roof over our heads. Hopefully someday we will have our OWN place again. He is really struggling w/ school, but what a blessing that he gets to go. He is such a smart man who doesn't have the confidence in his skills that the rest of us do in his skills. I just pray that God will send him a good job when school is done.
That's it for now. I'm not sure if I will keep this up or if I will not. We will see. I definitely need more photos if I do.

Love

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted here. So much has happened. On December 23rd, Rob asked me to marry him. Of course I said YES!!! We are all very excited! We didn't want to wait too long. We love each other and just want to be together. We are "modifying" his house to fit everyone and on February 6th, we will join our families. I will attach the only photo I have of all of the kids together. It's good of everyone but Jeff. He was being "shy"...lol. They are all five such great kids! God has blessed each of us and continues to bless us as we bring everyone together. The painting is all but done in the girls and boys rooms and soon we will be able to lay the carpet and put the bedrooms together. Jeff is the only one in the house who won't be sharing a room and he is pretty happy about that. lol His new little brothers though will undoubtedly visit his room alot! With all of the work left to be done and Rob and I working, Satan's been trying to attack us from many angles. But we have decided not to let him ruin us. We won't let him get in the way of our happiness. God is in Control and He will give us the energy and peace of mind to get all of the work done on time and then He will give us time to enjoy and relax before our next project. I love Him so much for always being my constant. We love Him. God is good...ALL the time! May He bless you all and help you to feel His Presence.
In Him,
Amy
I am going to try to adopt the "Favorite Foto Friday" as some of the other bloggers have. I Know that it's Saturday and that I usually put a photo on EVERY post but I hope to post more; at least on Fridays.

Having trouble adding photos... next time

Attacked

Satan's really been trying to attack me lately. Feelings of guilt over not being able to give my boys everything they want or be with them all the time. It's so hard as a mom to not be able to see your babies everyday...it's just not supposed to be that way. And yet, life has been so much more positive since we escaped the situation of life as it used to be. The boys and I are doing well. I hate Saturday nights though. That's when I have to send them back to their dad. They, especially my youngest, don't want to go. He cries and reaches for me...it absolutely breaks my heart that there is not a thing I can do but make him go. My oldest is sometimes that way but usually he is excited to see his dad. I pray for them so much on the days we are apart. I just miss them so much. The past couple of weeks I've just been beside myself. If I do something fun, I feel bad that they are not there. If I'm doing nothing, I feel bad that they are not there...I just feel bad that they are not with me all the time. I want them to be. SO BADLY! I'm at work right now; looking at their precious photos on my cubicle wall...missing them. I pray that they have fun at church this morning. I pray that the Lord will keep them safe. I pray that He will protect them from the lies of their earthly father. I pray that He'd bring us back together safely. I pray that He would bless them with great futures; full of REAL love and happiness and success. Not necessarily wealth in riches; but wealth and success in love, in showing others Christ's love, in friendships, in happiness....the things that really matter. And that our bond as mother and sons is never broken. I love them more than anything next to God who is my constant. Thank you Lord for my boys! Bless them and keep them! Amen.

I am so in love. God brought this wonderful man into my life this past May and through a couple of dips in the road, things are going great. I never knew that I could feel this way about someone...which is a funny statement since I was married for 7.5 years...but that's a whole other story.

When I am at work and know that soon I will get to see him, I get butterflies in my stomach and that feeling of excitement...even if there's only a CHANCE that I'll get to see him. And I miss him so much when we aren't together. It doesn't matter what we are doing. We can be hiking, cleaning, cooking, talking, etc...or just sitting in silence holding each other. All I know is that when we are together, all the world seems right. Our kids get along so well which is awesome due to the difference in age. Mine of course are always more excited to see his because they look up to them...almost put them up on a pedestal. It's cute how they talk to about the kids when we are at home. They can never w8 to see them. They want us to go out so the kids can watch them. It's awesome.

Thank you Lord for YOUR love. Thank you for teaching me how to love and for bringing him and his kids into our lives. They are such a blessing. Perfection?...not even close; I won't be neither will they or anyone else this side of Heaven...but the way he makes me feel and how he treats me and the boys....perfect. Thank you Lord for my boys, for Rob, Kelsey, Jenny, and Jeff. Thanks for the promise of Eternity with You. Thanks for never giving up on me and for forgiving me of my sins. Amen... :)

Well, after my "rant" last night; I am just giddy. It's crazy. It's therapuetic to get things off of your mind...no matter how scatterbrained or ridiculous they may seem. Which is why I keep a blog and a journal.

Talked to my Sweetie last night and again this morning. My heart does flip-flops when I think about him and also when I talk to him. And just imagine what it does when we are together. It's crazy that I miss him so much after only not seeing him for one day. Like I explained to him...it's a good crazy, frustrating but good.

The weather is so nice this morning and the air is almost, keyword ALMOST, smoke free. Not like yesterday. Yesterday I got a headache from all the smoke. Thank you Lord for the wind that came up last night.

I'm tired, but it's all good. :)

...just a girl in love

I hate to say it, but I have fallen into the "grass is always greener" attitude this evening. I'm seeing things that my friends' men are saying to them and wondering what I am doing wrong. I'm having a pity party and I'm just going to allow myself to have it instead of trying to talk myself out of it. This post may not make a ton of sense but my thoughts tonight are random. The two times that I've ever REALLY fallen in love, have been with men who just "aren't there". They say that they love me but one just bailed with no explanation or goodbye and the one whom I am sooo in love with, more than I've ever loved anyone...well, he's at a different place than I am. And that is so hard. We have the best times together...whether we are "doing" anything or nothing at all. But because of his past, he is being very cautious about our relationship. I understand to a point. I really do. But, I also DON'T understand, to a point, as well. I would hate to put all of these emotions and time into someone only to find out that I'm yet again, the rebound girl. I couldn't handle that. I would have to handle it, but the thought of that really makes my stomach turn. I have found someone that I could happily grow old with. I love him and I love his 3 kids. I am not saying that I want to "seal the deal" tomorrow or anything; but I wish so much that I didn't have to worry about him seeing other women. And then I think, what a fool I am for putting time and effort and EVERYTHING into someone who wants and will see other people. I mean, really...am I that pathetic??? But when I think of me seeing someone else, my stomach does the turning thing again. I get nauseous...I just don't want to see anyone else. I have tried. I have tried dating others since we started seeing each other and since I realized we weren't exclusive...what a trainwreck. It is just beyond me how people can "date" more than one person at a time. I really don't get it. I mean, you find someone who you have great times with, laugh with, cry with, talk easily with, share with, can't wait to see again the moment they leave, think about all the time, miss terribly when they aren't by your side and don't sleep well unless you hear them breathing next to you, someone you go through ups and downs in life with....and still you want to "experience" other people??? How is that? I don't understand.
I know that he is scared. I am too. I think that when you start to have love feelings for someone, scared is perfectly normal. Especially when there are children involved. But to risk losing the other person...for what? To see if it's real by testing it out by going out with someone else? And when that crashes and burns...to do it AGAIN??? Don't you trust your own heart? Don't you know how to tell what it's saying to you? Can't you hear it over the voices of others around you "encouraging" you to explore your options? They aren't in your shoes...they don't know what the other person does for/to you. When is it okay to go with the fear...to be true to yourself...to do what YOUR heart is telling you to do?
I sound like such a loser. Seriously, how pathetic. How do we get to this place in life. Aren't these things that were supposed to be experienced in high school and college? I am too old for this. I just want to be with the person I love. I want to be everything for him that he needs and wants and more. I'm sick of the "meat market". It's all about looks and instant gratification. But not in our relationship. And yet...the "but" remains.
Life is too short. When you find someone that makes you feel like we've told each other we make the other feel...you CLING to that with everything you have...you should anyway. Love is not a game.
*sigh* Whatever. With all of that being said, I am still...for some reason...not ready to throw it all away. I love him. I want to give him time. But how much time is okay before I've given all that I know to give and he still isn't ready for it? How do I turn that down or off or whatever? I just want to scream sometimes. AAAARRRRGGGGHHH.
Pam Thum puts it well in a WONDERFUL song that I love...

You turn the key
Then close the door behind you
Drop your bags on the floor
You reach for the light
But there's darkness deep inside
And you can't take it anymore
'Cause sometimes living takes the life out of you
And sometimes living is all you can do
Life is hard, the world is cold
We're barely young and then we're old
But every falling tear is always understood
Yes, life is hard, but God is good
You start to cry
'Cause you've been strong for so long
And that's not how you feel
You try to pray
But there's nothing left to say
So you just quietly kneel
In the silence of all that you face
God will give you His mercy and grace
Jesus never said
It was an easy road to travel
He only said that you would never be alone
So when your last thread of hope
Begins to come unraveled
Don't give up, He walks beside you
On this journey home and He knows
Life is hard, the world is cold
We're barely young and then we're old
But every falling tear is always understood
Yes, life is hard, but God is good.

AMEN!!! Okay...that's all for tonight. If anyone reads this: I'm really not a nutcase...just a girl in love. Just a girl in love...

G'night and God Bless!

Sighs

Some well meaning people have been telling me to not waste tears. My question is this: CAN tears be wasted? My tears are happy tears, sad tears, hurt tears; you get my point. But all of these emotions make us human don't they? I know that the words are to make me feel better but... So really can tears shed on these emotions be wasted? Even the Bible says that "to everything there is a season; a TIME for EVERY purpose under Heaven...". Sometimes a real guttural cry, like the one that I had the other night over a number of different things that happened all at once, REALLY feels nice. But, the emotions drip over into the next day and the next...when is it "normal" to stop crying over stuff that you have no control over? Why is it so hard to give that control over to the One who promised to take that for us? I listened to Pastor Bob's message online from way back about Romans and how "everything works together for the good to those who Love God and are called according to His purpose." I do love God. I do want His will. It's just so hard to know which direction "things" are going to go in order to be fully in His will. It's written that when we are in His Will, things are better than we can even imagine. My reality seemed pretty great until a few things occurred that threw a wrench into my week. It will all work out...I am confident of that. But in the interim....GEEZ! *sigh* I guess that's why one of my favorite verses is Hebrews 11:1..."Now faith is being sure of what we hope for...and certain of what we cannot see..."
Blessings on your day...