...just a girl in love

I hate to say it, but I have fallen into the "grass is always greener" attitude this evening. I'm seeing things that my friends' men are saying to them and wondering what I am doing wrong. I'm having a pity party and I'm just going to allow myself to have it instead of trying to talk myself out of it. This post may not make a ton of sense but my thoughts tonight are random. The two times that I've ever REALLY fallen in love, have been with men who just "aren't there". They say that they love me but one just bailed with no explanation or goodbye and the one whom I am sooo in love with, more than I've ever loved anyone...well, he's at a different place than I am. And that is so hard. We have the best times together...whether we are "doing" anything or nothing at all. But because of his past, he is being very cautious about our relationship. I understand to a point. I really do. But, I also DON'T understand, to a point, as well. I would hate to put all of these emotions and time into someone only to find out that I'm yet again, the rebound girl. I couldn't handle that. I would have to handle it, but the thought of that really makes my stomach turn. I have found someone that I could happily grow old with. I love him and I love his 3 kids. I am not saying that I want to "seal the deal" tomorrow or anything; but I wish so much that I didn't have to worry about him seeing other women. And then I think, what a fool I am for putting time and effort and EVERYTHING into someone who wants and will see other people. I mean, really...am I that pathetic??? But when I think of me seeing someone else, my stomach does the turning thing again. I get nauseous...I just don't want to see anyone else. I have tried. I have tried dating others since we started seeing each other and since I realized we weren't exclusive...what a trainwreck. It is just beyond me how people can "date" more than one person at a time. I really don't get it. I mean, you find someone who you have great times with, laugh with, cry with, talk easily with, share with, can't wait to see again the moment they leave, think about all the time, miss terribly when they aren't by your side and don't sleep well unless you hear them breathing next to you, someone you go through ups and downs in life with....and still you want to "experience" other people??? How is that? I don't understand.
I know that he is scared. I am too. I think that when you start to have love feelings for someone, scared is perfectly normal. Especially when there are children involved. But to risk losing the other person...for what? To see if it's real by testing it out by going out with someone else? And when that crashes and burns...to do it AGAIN??? Don't you trust your own heart? Don't you know how to tell what it's saying to you? Can't you hear it over the voices of others around you "encouraging" you to explore your options? They aren't in your shoes...they don't know what the other person does for/to you. When is it okay to go with the fear...to be true to yourself...to do what YOUR heart is telling you to do?
I sound like such a loser. Seriously, how pathetic. How do we get to this place in life. Aren't these things that were supposed to be experienced in high school and college? I am too old for this. I just want to be with the person I love. I want to be everything for him that he needs and wants and more. I'm sick of the "meat market". It's all about looks and instant gratification. But not in our relationship. And yet...the "but" remains.
Life is too short. When you find someone that makes you feel like we've told each other we make the other feel...you CLING to that with everything you have...you should anyway. Love is not a game.
*sigh* Whatever. With all of that being said, I am still...for some reason...not ready to throw it all away. I love him. I want to give him time. But how much time is okay before I've given all that I know to give and he still isn't ready for it? How do I turn that down or off or whatever? I just want to scream sometimes. AAAARRRRGGGGHHH.
Pam Thum puts it well in a WONDERFUL song that I love...

You turn the key
Then close the door behind you
Drop your bags on the floor
You reach for the light
But there's darkness deep inside
And you can't take it anymore
'Cause sometimes living takes the life out of you
And sometimes living is all you can do
Life is hard, the world is cold
We're barely young and then we're old
But every falling tear is always understood
Yes, life is hard, but God is good
You start to cry
'Cause you've been strong for so long
And that's not how you feel
You try to pray
But there's nothing left to say
So you just quietly kneel
In the silence of all that you face
God will give you His mercy and grace
Jesus never said
It was an easy road to travel
He only said that you would never be alone
So when your last thread of hope
Begins to come unraveled
Don't give up, He walks beside you
On this journey home and He knows
Life is hard, the world is cold
We're barely young and then we're old
But every falling tear is always understood
Yes, life is hard, but God is good.

AMEN!!! Okay...that's all for tonight. If anyone reads this: I'm really not a nutcase...just a girl in love. Just a girl in love...

G'night and God Bless!