Attacked

Satan's really been trying to attack me lately. Feelings of guilt over not being able to give my boys everything they want or be with them all the time. It's so hard as a mom to not be able to see your babies everyday...it's just not supposed to be that way. And yet, life has been so much more positive since we escaped the situation of life as it used to be. The boys and I are doing well. I hate Saturday nights though. That's when I have to send them back to their dad. They, especially my youngest, don't want to go. He cries and reaches for me...it absolutely breaks my heart that there is not a thing I can do but make him go. My oldest is sometimes that way but usually he is excited to see his dad. I pray for them so much on the days we are apart. I just miss them so much. The past couple of weeks I've just been beside myself. If I do something fun, I feel bad that they are not there. If I'm doing nothing, I feel bad that they are not there...I just feel bad that they are not with me all the time. I want them to be. SO BADLY! I'm at work right now; looking at their precious photos on my cubicle wall...missing them. I pray that they have fun at church this morning. I pray that the Lord will keep them safe. I pray that He will protect them from the lies of their earthly father. I pray that He'd bring us back together safely. I pray that He would bless them with great futures; full of REAL love and happiness and success. Not necessarily wealth in riches; but wealth and success in love, in showing others Christ's love, in friendships, in happiness....the things that really matter. And that our bond as mother and sons is never broken. I love them more than anything next to God who is my constant. Thank you Lord for my boys! Bless them and keep them! Amen.

I am so in love. God brought this wonderful man into my life this past May and through a couple of dips in the road, things are going great. I never knew that I could feel this way about someone...which is a funny statement since I was married for 7.5 years...but that's a whole other story.

When I am at work and know that soon I will get to see him, I get butterflies in my stomach and that feeling of excitement...even if there's only a CHANCE that I'll get to see him. And I miss him so much when we aren't together. It doesn't matter what we are doing. We can be hiking, cleaning, cooking, talking, etc...or just sitting in silence holding each other. All I know is that when we are together, all the world seems right. Our kids get along so well which is awesome due to the difference in age. Mine of course are always more excited to see his because they look up to them...almost put them up on a pedestal. It's cute how they talk to about the kids when we are at home. They can never w8 to see them. They want us to go out so the kids can watch them. It's awesome.

Thank you Lord for YOUR love. Thank you for teaching me how to love and for bringing him and his kids into our lives. They are such a blessing. Perfection?...not even close; I won't be neither will they or anyone else this side of Heaven...but the way he makes me feel and how he treats me and the boys....perfect. Thank you Lord for my boys, for Rob, Kelsey, Jenny, and Jeff. Thanks for the promise of Eternity with You. Thanks for never giving up on me and for forgiving me of my sins. Amen... :)

Well, after my "rant" last night; I am just giddy. It's crazy. It's therapuetic to get things off of your mind...no matter how scatterbrained or ridiculous they may seem. Which is why I keep a blog and a journal.

Talked to my Sweetie last night and again this morning. My heart does flip-flops when I think about him and also when I talk to him. And just imagine what it does when we are together. It's crazy that I miss him so much after only not seeing him for one day. Like I explained to him...it's a good crazy, frustrating but good.

The weather is so nice this morning and the air is almost, keyword ALMOST, smoke free. Not like yesterday. Yesterday I got a headache from all the smoke. Thank you Lord for the wind that came up last night.

I'm tired, but it's all good. :)

...just a girl in love

I hate to say it, but I have fallen into the "grass is always greener" attitude this evening. I'm seeing things that my friends' men are saying to them and wondering what I am doing wrong. I'm having a pity party and I'm just going to allow myself to have it instead of trying to talk myself out of it. This post may not make a ton of sense but my thoughts tonight are random. The two times that I've ever REALLY fallen in love, have been with men who just "aren't there". They say that they love me but one just bailed with no explanation or goodbye and the one whom I am sooo in love with, more than I've ever loved anyone...well, he's at a different place than I am. And that is so hard. We have the best times together...whether we are "doing" anything or nothing at all. But because of his past, he is being very cautious about our relationship. I understand to a point. I really do. But, I also DON'T understand, to a point, as well. I would hate to put all of these emotions and time into someone only to find out that I'm yet again, the rebound girl. I couldn't handle that. I would have to handle it, but the thought of that really makes my stomach turn. I have found someone that I could happily grow old with. I love him and I love his 3 kids. I am not saying that I want to "seal the deal" tomorrow or anything; but I wish so much that I didn't have to worry about him seeing other women. And then I think, what a fool I am for putting time and effort and EVERYTHING into someone who wants and will see other people. I mean, really...am I that pathetic??? But when I think of me seeing someone else, my stomach does the turning thing again. I get nauseous...I just don't want to see anyone else. I have tried. I have tried dating others since we started seeing each other and since I realized we weren't exclusive...what a trainwreck. It is just beyond me how people can "date" more than one person at a time. I really don't get it. I mean, you find someone who you have great times with, laugh with, cry with, talk easily with, share with, can't wait to see again the moment they leave, think about all the time, miss terribly when they aren't by your side and don't sleep well unless you hear them breathing next to you, someone you go through ups and downs in life with....and still you want to "experience" other people??? How is that? I don't understand.
I know that he is scared. I am too. I think that when you start to have love feelings for someone, scared is perfectly normal. Especially when there are children involved. But to risk losing the other person...for what? To see if it's real by testing it out by going out with someone else? And when that crashes and burns...to do it AGAIN??? Don't you trust your own heart? Don't you know how to tell what it's saying to you? Can't you hear it over the voices of others around you "encouraging" you to explore your options? They aren't in your shoes...they don't know what the other person does for/to you. When is it okay to go with the fear...to be true to yourself...to do what YOUR heart is telling you to do?
I sound like such a loser. Seriously, how pathetic. How do we get to this place in life. Aren't these things that were supposed to be experienced in high school and college? I am too old for this. I just want to be with the person I love. I want to be everything for him that he needs and wants and more. I'm sick of the "meat market". It's all about looks and instant gratification. But not in our relationship. And yet...the "but" remains.
Life is too short. When you find someone that makes you feel like we've told each other we make the other feel...you CLING to that with everything you have...you should anyway. Love is not a game.
*sigh* Whatever. With all of that being said, I am still...for some reason...not ready to throw it all away. I love him. I want to give him time. But how much time is okay before I've given all that I know to give and he still isn't ready for it? How do I turn that down or off or whatever? I just want to scream sometimes. AAAARRRRGGGGHHH.
Pam Thum puts it well in a WONDERFUL song that I love...

You turn the key
Then close the door behind you
Drop your bags on the floor
You reach for the light
But there's darkness deep inside
And you can't take it anymore
'Cause sometimes living takes the life out of you
And sometimes living is all you can do
Life is hard, the world is cold
We're barely young and then we're old
But every falling tear is always understood
Yes, life is hard, but God is good
You start to cry
'Cause you've been strong for so long
And that's not how you feel
You try to pray
But there's nothing left to say
So you just quietly kneel
In the silence of all that you face
God will give you His mercy and grace
Jesus never said
It was an easy road to travel
He only said that you would never be alone
So when your last thread of hope
Begins to come unraveled
Don't give up, He walks beside you
On this journey home and He knows
Life is hard, the world is cold
We're barely young and then we're old
But every falling tear is always understood
Yes, life is hard, but God is good.

AMEN!!! Okay...that's all for tonight. If anyone reads this: I'm really not a nutcase...just a girl in love. Just a girl in love...

G'night and God Bless!

Sighs

Some well meaning people have been telling me to not waste tears. My question is this: CAN tears be wasted? My tears are happy tears, sad tears, hurt tears; you get my point. But all of these emotions make us human don't they? I know that the words are to make me feel better but... So really can tears shed on these emotions be wasted? Even the Bible says that "to everything there is a season; a TIME for EVERY purpose under Heaven...". Sometimes a real guttural cry, like the one that I had the other night over a number of different things that happened all at once, REALLY feels nice. But, the emotions drip over into the next day and the next...when is it "normal" to stop crying over stuff that you have no control over? Why is it so hard to give that control over to the One who promised to take that for us? I listened to Pastor Bob's message online from way back about Romans and how "everything works together for the good to those who Love God and are called according to His purpose." I do love God. I do want His will. It's just so hard to know which direction "things" are going to go in order to be fully in His will. It's written that when we are in His Will, things are better than we can even imagine. My reality seemed pretty great until a few things occurred that threw a wrench into my week. It will all work out...I am confident of that. But in the interim....GEEZ! *sigh* I guess that's why one of my favorite verses is Hebrews 11:1..."Now faith is being sure of what we hope for...and certain of what we cannot see..."
Blessings on your day...

The Perfect Night...

Last night was the best! Rob and I went to the Charlie Daniels Band concert at the fair. It was really good. I wasn't sure whether either one of us would like it but I am so glad that we went! The boys were sat by Rob's kids and they had so much fun! All I heard about today was his kids and how the boys wanted me to call and have them come over and how they couldn't wait to see them again...my boys really like his kids alot. They like him too; so do I...lol.

I also went on my very first ferris wheel ride EVER!!! I was fine til we actually climbed in. Then I started to have a minor panic attack...lol. Rob was so good and calmed me down. By the time the ride was almost over I was really starting to enjoy it. Too bad it was so expensive or I'd have wanted to do it again. Regrettably, we didn't get any photos from the top...that's my fault. I asked Rob to take one for me as "proof" or a "remembrance" or whatever since my phone was in my pocket and I was holding onto him "for dear life"...lol. So, he started to pull his hand away from mine to reach into HIS pocket to get his phone and I grabbed his hand back and said, "No, no, no, no...never mind!"...lol. We had a good laugh over that. Sometimes I really hate being so afraid of heights. I wish sometimes that I could just get in line, ride a roller coaster over and over and over and at the end of the day..go home with stories. I go home w/ stories alright, but they are different...lol. I am glad we went on the ferris wheel. It WAS fun and now I "know" that I won't die next time. hehe

I am in much need of a workout. MUCH! lol I really want to go hiking too. Vacation week is coming soon so hopefully some fun will happen over that time. For now though, my eyes are telling me it's time to close them and drift off to dreams of "happyland"...inside joke.

God Bless.

Another morning

I haven't done much this morning but get up and get ready for work. I am sitting here, listening to Canon in D, thinking of someone who that song is special with, and wondering if he is dreaming happy dreams. He deserves to. Sometimes, especially as a single parent, it seems that we go unappreciated, unnoticed, are used by those who love us the most. But in truth, the very times that we are thinking these things, someone somewhere is watching us...and applausing our efforts. Someone sees us for who we really are and appreciates everything we do; for them and for others. And one day, the ones who we feel don't appreciate us, will grow to a point in their lives when they can "safely" (w/o sounding "gay"...lol) tell us how much they love and appreciate us for everything we do and did...even when, at the time, they acted like they couldn't give a carp. Yes, I meant to spell it that way...lol. And when it's all said and done, as long as we are doing the right things, and looking to God for guidance, we will sit back and say "yeah, remember when..." and look fondly on ALL the memories. The present is sometimes weird to deal with...but the past is easier to look back on and see that we actually weren't messing up like we thought. Looking back, we see things from a different perspective and are able to even appreciate ourselves for getting through those feelings and continuing on...and yes, even laugh. God loves us. His Will is Perfect. He will never give us more than we can handle. He promised us that. I thank Him for that...and so much more. Life without God is futile. Life with God is full of hope and promise. I promise!!! :) Blessings on the day...live it for Jesus. Amen.

*sigh*

Well, the boys are on the Oregon Coast with their dad this week. I really hope that they are having a good time. Today they were supposed to go to a lighthouse and the aquarium. I miss them. They will be back soon though! I can't wait to hold them. My upstairs neighbors are soooo loud right now! I'm about to say something. They've been gone for a while and it's been sooo nice. That's one of the things I don't like about my condo. I'd prefer a standalone, one family house. Just can't afford one. The other thing is lack of windows. My perfect house would have LOTS of BIG windows!!! I love to be able to let the light in from outside and to see puffy clouds from my windows...can't do that here. Hopefully my next place will have that. I guess I'm feeling a little down. With the boys gone and Rob not feeling well...I hate it when people I care about don't feel well. I've prayed that God would relieve Rob's headache. That's all for now.

Amazed...

I am continually amazed at how God works. Even when things seem to be going any way BUT the way that I want, He is there to remind me that I am in His grasp and He will work out the details accordingly. He has blessed me (well, everyone) with beautiful sunrises lately and the other day a GREAT sky of puffy clouds. It had been a while since I'd seen a REALLY good puffy cloud due to the heat and fires in the area but look --->

at that picture! AWESOME!

Personally, things are going really well. Work has been picking up and I've been able to spend alot of time with a very special man whom I care alot for. God has just been really faithful through ups and downs in life and it's nice to know that He is on my side.

The boys are doing great. They are definitely "brothers" who love each other one moment and drive each other (and me in the process) crazy the next. But, you really can tell that they love each other through it all. It's my prayer that they will grow up as best friends. When it comes down to it, their friends will not always be there for them unconditionally but siblings should be. SHOULD be. It doesn't always happen which is sad. But, I pray that my boys will always be there for each other. Always; through anything.

God bless you all!

Confused

I'm having a tough time sleeping right now. I noticed this evening that a gentleman that I really like and have been spending a great deal of time with has changed his online dating profile to say that his perfect match is someone who has done things that he and I have done over the course of the past 3 weeks. He mentioned to me that he needs to see others too, not ready to commit due to the newness of his situation. Which, I understand to a point. But our times together are very special...at least they seem to be mutually so and then to see that he's changed his stuff to see if there's someone else out there who wants to do the same stuff w/ him...I don't know. I am confused. Even when I was newly divorced, when I found someone that I really liked, I focused on that person alone and we had a great 9 months together. It didn't last but it was a long distance deal that I think wore on us both. Back to the current guy though...he even changed his "my date" info to having a weighty income and to someone having no kids. He also put that "his place" was living alone. All of this adds to my confusion. I should probably just let it go, but I don't know. I don't know.

Good morning

Well, so far, it's been a fabulous morning. Got a visit from a friend this morning that really made my day. I can now go out and face the world! :) I have some things planned and hope to get them all accomplished. The first of which is reading the paper. I LOVE my Saturday paper and coffee; but my visitor this morning was VERY worth getting things started a little late!!! Not much to say yet this early in the morning. I just hope that I am able to see the beauty in the things that I come across each day instead of the human error that is so much more prevalent in our minds. There is God-given beauty in everything around us but it seems that we so easily overlook it and focus on the imperfections. I don't want to live my life that way. I'd rather see the beauty in a rose than curse the thorn that poked my finger. So, with that, I am off to read the paper and get my day going. May anyone reading this see the beauty in the small things...

Random thoughts

Okay, so I really am diggin' this blog site. What fun! Well, here I sit...the boys on their way to my mom and dads with them; a special guy getting ready to spend the night at work; and my two cats, finally getting some chill time. A work out is in my very near future. I am disgusted w/ how much weight I've allowed myself to put on and I am determined to get it off. Having said that, I am so glad the gym is open late. I dislike going when there are a ton of people. Not sure what tomorrow will bring but each new day is a gift from God and I choose to embrace it and try to follow His lead. He's blessed me BEYOND measure and I am excited to see what He has for my and the boys' futures. Having kids really puts things into perspective. 'Things' just aren't important. I want to be the best example to them and to their friends that I can be. I am human and won't be perfect this side of heaven; but I strive to at least show them that life is good and should be lived to the fullest daily. We all have a Divine appointment and we don't know when ours is so we need to spend each minute making good decisions, with people we love, letting people we love KNOW we love them, letting people we don't know that GOD loves them, and hope that our unconcious behavior backs up our words...actions REALLY ARE louder than words.
To anyone reading this.....be blessed!!!

I WANT A GUY...
~who would move the hair away from my eyes and then kiss me.
~who would hold my hand in line at the mall and make all the girls jealous.
~Someone who would sing to me at random moments. Who would let me sleep on their chest.
~A boy who would get mad at someone if they called me ugly or was mean to me.
~I want someone who would call me 3 times a day if he went away.
~Someone who would let me gossip to him and would just smile and agree with everything I said.
~He would throw stuffed animals at me when I acted dumb and then kiss me a million times.
~Someone who would make fun of me just to make me laugh.
~He would take me to the park and put his hands around my waist and give me big bear hugs all the time.
~He would tell all his friends about me and smile when he did it.
~And we'd make out in the pouring rain.
~He would never be afraid to say "I love you" in front of his friends, and we'd argue about silly things then make up.
~I want a boy that would kiss me at midnight on New Years and count stars with me.
~Who would stay home with me on a Friday night just to help me make dinner and watch movies together under the same blanket.
~Someone who would tell me I'm beautiful but not too often; who would make me laugh like noone else could.
~But mostly, I want someone who would be my best friend and would never break my heart.....
....Author Unknown....